you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
