you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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