Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
