Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
