I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
