I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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