she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
