It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize