Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
