Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
