You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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