Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
