I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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