is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
