Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
