So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
