Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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