see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
