Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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