im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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