so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
