So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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