I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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