Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
