i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
