Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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