And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
