You're a womanizer and a bitch.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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