Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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