it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
