if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
