i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
