she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
