I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
a search helicopter?!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
