i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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