she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
