Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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