I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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