you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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