Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Randomize
