walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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