dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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