Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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