I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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