My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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