Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
