All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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