I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
This is my gift to your gina
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
