The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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