Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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