how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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