she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
