I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
