The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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