so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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