i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
