I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Come share oat with me in your robe
you made out with another girl for some wings
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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