My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
