I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
