You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
