Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize