I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
