New low: just hacked my moms facebook
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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