i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
