Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
