I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
