first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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