If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
