Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
