I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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