Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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