um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
